Chasing Feelings Instead of Chasing Connection

Have you ever met someone and felt an energy so strong that you were sure it had to mean something?

The butterflies. The rush when he texts back. The feeling that you’ve known each other forever. Those feelings can be so powerful that we mistake them for connection. But a feeling is not the same as a foundation.

I know this one from the inside. For years, I let strong feelings make my relationship decisions for me. In this post I want to share what I learned the hard way, so you can start noticing the difference between chasing a feeling and building a connection that actually holds you.

My pattern: if I felt it, I jumped

When I looked honestly at my relationship history during my forgiveness journey, I counted six significant relationships. And I saw the same pattern running through every one of them.

One of them was a man I met online, who also happened to be named Shelby. The energy that moved between us was so intense that I thought that was what love felt like. About six weeks in, the feeling faded, and so did the relationship. Looking back, I believe he came into my life for a reason (he’s the one who first taught me about the chakras), but he wasn’t meant to be my forever.

Here’s how I described it in my journal at the time: “just because I had a feeling or the energy was strong, I thought I had to jump in and have a relationship or marry the guys.”

Every time, I ignored my intuition. I let my own insecurity, and sometimes other people’s opinions, make the call. And every time, I ended up learning the same lesson in a new outfit. As I wrote then, “They weren’t really ‘the one’ they were just the one for that moment because I needed the experience.”

What is the difference between a feeling and a connection?

A feeling is a moment. It rises, it peaks and it passes. Excitement, attraction, relief, longing: all of these are real and all of them are valid. But they change with the weather.

A connection is something that’s still there on an ordinary Tuesday. It’s trust, honesty, consistency and the freedom to be fully yourself.

In my book Twin Flame Love, I put it this way: we can have that “feeling” with just about anyone if there is something there to feel. It doesn’t mean they are the perfect man. A strong feeling tells you there’s something to pay attention to. It doesn’t tell you what to do about it.

What does chasing a feeling look like?

Chasing a feeling usually looks like:

• Measuring the relationship by how it makes you feel today
• Staying because of the good moments, even when the everyday reality drains you
• Moving faster than your intuition is comfortable with
• Shrinking your own needs so the good feeling doesn’t go away
• Replaying the beginning and trying to get back to it
• Reaching out again and again, even when you’re not getting anything back

What about twin flames and soul connections?

I want to be clear here, because I’ve lived this too. Some connections really are bigger than ordinary attraction. When I met Chris, the man I believe is my twin flame, the energy was unlike anything I had ever experienced. I don’t think that intensity was an illusion.

But even a true soul connection can bring out our unhealthy patterns. In December 2011, after knowing Chris for less than a month, I sent him an email telling him he was my twin flame. Then I didn’t hear from him for two weeks. My honest reaction when I look back? “I knew this dude for less than a month and I am laying it all out on the line. Can we say stupid?”

Later, after he told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, I kept sending him a text about once a month for six months, without a single reply. That’s when I finally understood something important: “just because I felt the connection didn’t mean I was attached to it in a healthy way.”

The connection was real. The way I was chasing it wasn’t healthy for me. Both things can be true at the same time.

If you’re in the middle of a connection like that and trying to make sense of it, my Soul Connections & Twin Flames course walks you through it in a grounded way.

Why do so many of us learn to chase?

For me, a lot of it went back to childhood. When I was 10, I had a disagreement with my dad and walked away believing that men were not to be trusted. Without realizing it, I carried that belief into every relationship that followed, and I kept attracting men who proved it right.

Many of us were never shown what a safe, steady connection looks like. When love felt uncertain early on, intensity can feel like love, and our bodies learn to follow the rush. That isn’t something to judge. It’s something to understand, gently, so you can choose differently.

If you’ve been feeling far from who you really are lately, my post Why Don’t I Feel Like Myself Anymore? is a good companion to this one.

How do you move from chasing a feeling to building a connection?

1. Listen to your intuition before your excitement

In every one of my six relationships, my intuition tried to tell me something early on. I just didn’t listen. Before you jump in, get quiet and ask: What does my gut say, separate from the butterflies?

2. Become your own source of comfort

One of the biggest lessons of my twin flame journey was this: we are our greatest source of comfort and protection. When you can soothe yourself, you stop needing another person’s attention to feel okay, and you start choosing from a calmer place.

3. Let go of the outcome

I used to want closure, a clear answer, a perfect ending. What I learned is that real peace comes from detaching from outcomes and outdated emotions. Instead of trying to control where the relationship goes, put the focus back on your own healing.

4. Speak your needs early

Chasing often comes with staying quiet so you don’t lose the good feeling. Practice saying one honest thing, one need, out loud. A healthy connection can hold it. If it can’t, that’s important information.

5. Keep your own life full

Reconnect with what you love outside the relationship: friends, hobbies, quiet time, your spiritual practice. When your life is full, a relationship becomes something that adds to it, not something you have to cling to.

A simple reflection to try this week

Grab a journal and answer these questions honestly:

• When have I mistaken a strong feeling for a sign that I had to act?
• What did my intuition say at the beginning of my last relationship?
• What would a steady, everyday love look like for me?

When I finally wrote my own patterns out, I couldn’t argue with what was on the page. That’s the power of writing it down.

Frequently asked questions

Is it bad to want butterflies in a relationship?

Not at all. Attraction and excitement are beautiful parts of love. The problem is only when the butterflies are the main thing holding the relationship together, or when you keep chasing them at the cost of your own peace.

How do I know if a strong connection is a soul connection or just a pattern?

Sometimes it’s both. A soul connection often mirrors exactly what you need to heal. Instead of asking “Is this the one?”, try asking, “What is this showing me about myself?”

Can a relationship built on intense feelings become healthy?

Yes, when both people are willing to slow down, communicate honestly and build trust through consistent actions, not just big emotional moments.

You deserve a connection that feels like home

You don’t need to force anything, and you don’t need to have it all figured out today. You only need to start noticing the difference between a feeling and a foundation.

If you’re ready to go deeper, my course Revitalizing Your Relationships walks you through healing these patterns step by step. You can also read the free chapter of Twin Flame Love, where I share the night I met Chris. And if you just need a moment to breathe, start with my free grounding audio.