Why Do Relationships Change During a Spiritual Awakening? (Transcript)

Episode transcript, ShelbyRADIO · 25 minutes

Short answer: Your relationships change during a spiritual awakening because relationships are built on a shared identity, and when your identity shifts, the dynamic shifts with it. Many relationships are also built on validation, survival, old patterns and roles, and when you stop showing up the same way, they can no longer function the same way. You're not wrong for changing, and you don't have to shrink, over-explain or fix yourself to keep a connection. Some relationships will evolve with you, some will fall away, and new ones will align with who you're becoming.

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Key takeaways

• Awakening happens in layers, and each new layer can bring relationship changes again.
• Signs include forced conversations, not enjoying what you used to and feeling drained around certain people.
• Relationships are built on a shared identity. When your identity shifts, the dynamic shifts too.
• Many connections rest on validation, survival, patterns from childhood and the roles we play. When those change, the relationship changes.
• Shrinking back, over-explaining, forcing connection or staying out of obligation disconnects you from yourself.
• Not every relationship comes with you into the next version of your life, and new aligned ones will form.

Full transcript

Lightly edited for reading.

After the loneliness comes change (00:00)

Have you ever felt a calling, something deep, something you can't quite explain, that's urging you to step into a higher version of yourself? In the last episode, we talked about the loneliness of awakening and how it can feel like you're walking through life by yourself. But what follows that loneliness is something even more confronting: your relationships begin to change.

Welcome to ShelbyRADIO. I am Shelby Carino, and this is part of the Awakening series. Today we're talking about a popular conversation, which is why your relationships change when you begin waking up.

A hard pill to swallow (01:24)

This is a very hard pill to swallow for many people. I know it was for me, because it comes with a lot of judgment, and we're going to get into that. Hopefully by the end of this episode, it will put you on a better path mentally and spiritually in your awakening process, so you have more clarity about why this happens. This is a reality all of us feel, at different stages of awakening.

Awakening happens in layers (02:20)

Before I get into it, let me back up a little. People sometimes have a misconception that when they wake up, when their energy becomes more expansive to the energies of the universe, the planet, God, whatever you want to call it, and their consciousness expands, that once that bolt of lightning hits you, that's it. You're awake forever and there's nothing after that.

The reality is there's a lot more after that initial spiritual light goes off inside of you. You go through a process that awakens layers of you at different depths. How deep you're going in this lifetime determines how many of these flashes of waking up you'll go through. And every time you go through one, you cycle back through what I've been talking about in this series, just at another layer of depth.

What it feels like (03:44)

So let's remind ourselves what it feels like. Conversations feel forced. Conversations you used to have no longer flow or match where you are in the present moment. You also stop enjoying things you used to enjoy, even if your mind goes back in time and says, "Oh, I really enjoy doing this."

The campfire story (04:40)

Here's a real-life example. Joe and I always go camping. One weekend, someone built a campfire next to us, and Joe started talking about how there's nothing better than a campfire and the smell of it, and how he used to love making campfires at his buddy's ranch. He goes through the same loop of the story. He also mentioned that he never builds one when we're camping.

So finally I said, "If you like campfires so much, why don't you build them when we're camping?" His brain immediately went looking for a reason: "Well, it's a lot of work," or "Then I'd have to bring this with me." I called him on it. I said, "Then you can't sit here and talk about how much you enjoy it, when every time we camp we have the opportunity to create what you say you enjoy so much. You've got to go inside and ask yourself why you're keeping that joy away from you. And I don't buy for a minute that it's too much work."

So I asked him, "Do you really enjoy campfires, or did you only enjoy them back then? Maybe you're finding a different level of joy now, and it may not even be about building a campfire. Now we have a camper, and you enjoy cooking differently and the experiences we have when we camp." I had to challenge what he was saying against what he does, so he could see that maybe he doesn't enjoy it as much as he used to, because he isn't doing it when he has every opportunity. This is the confusion that happens: we think we still enjoy something we may not enjoy as much anymore.

Feeling drained and guilty (07:28)

Then it moves into feeling drained after being around certain people. This really happens around family, siblings and friends, and it's a big part of the process. You start questioning the relationships, and then you feel guilty because you're pulling away from them.

But what's really going on is that you're not trying to disconnect from these people. You're just having a harder time connecting the same way you used to.

Relationships are built on shared identity (08:24)

Let me break it down very simply. Relationships are built on having a shared identity with someone. Let me say that again: relationships are built on having a shared identity with someone. When your identity shifts, the dynamics in that relationship shift, and that's when an energy mismatch begins.

In simple terms, you built your relationships from a version of you. If that version no longer exists, the dynamic changes, because the shared identity is no longer shared. The energy is no longer drawing you into the version of yourself you used to be, the one you saw in that other person. When you're aware of that and realize what's going on, you can move forward.

I know that's hard, because you have to have a level of truth about why it's changing. Your mind goes into patterns like, "Maybe I need to blame somebody for this," or "Was that relationship even real? Was it ever real?" You go into mind games trying to find validation for why your relationships are changing. But really, this is the energy dynamic that's going on.

Validation, survival and patterns (10:44)

Some of the relationships we build are based on validation. We have relationships with certain people to validate something inside of us. Some are based on survival, a codependent mechanism between you and the other person so you can move through a phase of life you need to move through. Once that survival mechanism is done, once they've served their purpose and you've changed your dynamic, the survival energy goes away, and it changes the structure of the relationship.

We also base relationships on patterns. We all run patterns in our energy field that stem from childhood, past relationships and trauma, and those are the people we go out and seek until we've changed the pattern. We do change work through relationships. If we're running certain patterns, we'll keep attracting the same kind of people for the same kind of relationship until we learn the pattern that drew that person in to begin with. This is huge in families and with siblings, because that's where we pick up the patterns we then run through our friendships and romantic relationships.

The roles we play (13:04)

That leads to relationships based on roles. What roles did you play in those patterns, in those survival mechanisms, in those relationships where you constantly needed to feel validated?

I grew up with an older sister, and I never felt validated by her. Not that I needed her validation, but being the younger sibling, with the dynamics we had and the role I played, I was always seeking it. Am I good enough for my sister? Because she was always moving me out of her space. So what did I do as an adult, when I was making more friends? I attracted people like my sister so I could run the pattern of "Am I good enough for this friendship, or is this person going to kick me out?"

Until I got right with the pattern, I wasn't right with the friends I brought in, who helped me run it. I had to change my role in my relationships. Once I did, it was a game changer for who I attracted into my world, because I changed the pattern.

When patterns break (15:24)

Right now these patterns are breaking, whether we want them to or not. Our energy is no longer feeding the same dynamics, because we're in a higher level of ascension energy. I'm pushing the boundary here to expand consciousness within you. When we stop showing up the way we've always shown up, relationships can no longer function the way they used to.

Whether you realize it or not, you may be navigating this confusion with no clarity, or noticing people around you who are. That's why I keep putting out this information in different ways. My course Expanding Consciousness Fundamentals can really help straighten out the path if you see yourself in this.

The guilt, and the urge to fix yourself (16:20)

Here's the big thing that comes with relationships changing. You know they're changing, but you feel guilty. You have an internal conflict about why it's happening at all. It feels like you have to fix the problem because you feel like you're the problem: "What's wrong with me? Let me fix me, because if I fix me, maybe I fix the relationship."

Huge red flag. Do not go down that rabbit hole. Trying to fix yourself to keep the relationship moves you deeper into feeling responsible for other people's emotions if you leave, and that may be unconscious. You may not think you care how they'd feel, but if you truly didn't care, and you didn't see yourself as the problem, you'd just walk away easily. Because we all have a conscience and we don't want to hurt people, it plays out differently in spiritual ascension.

So remind yourself: you're not wrong for changing, but it can feel wrong when it affects people you care about, especially family, siblings or close friends you've had since childhood. It really messes with your head. That's where you move through it and say, "I'm not the problem. I don't have to fix myself. I don't have to be responsible for other people's emotions. And if people get hurt, it's not because I'm hurting them."

I'm done hurting myself (18:40)

Once you get into that mindset and begin to move away, you can focus on your actual issues with yourself. What do I want to heal within me? Where can I be responsible for my own feelings and emotions, so I don't get into these kinds of relationships again? Because honestly, it's not about not wanting to hurt them. It's "I'm done hurting myself." That's a complete 180 reframe that has to take root throughout our body and our energy system.

Common mistakes we all make (19:08)

I'm laughing a little, because you may think you're doing something wrong, but really you're just doing what so many of us do. And if you don't make the mistake, you can't learn the lesson.

So many of us say, "I'll just shrink back to who I was before so I don't upset the apple cart in my relationships." Raise your hand if you've done that. Or you over-explain yourself. I've been so guilty of that: "Let me keep explaining, because maybe if I explain more, I won't lose the relationship." That was a hard one for me to move away from.

Or you try to force the connection. Every time you go in and force it, knowing you shouldn't, you get hit with the energy, and then you get sick or feel bad and don't understand why it happens every time you connect with this person. It's because you're forcing it. Or you stay out of obligation: "I've been in this so long, I'll keep staying in it."

These are common things people do when they realize something is different. But the moment you force yourself to stay the same, you disconnect from yourself. That's where you put yourself in jeopardy with the energies already waking up within you. Your energy will get your attention, and it will keep doing it until you learn to stop.

Relationships are recalibrating (21:28)

What's actually happening is that your relationships are recalibrating, and they're allowed to. Some will evolve and move forward with you. Others will fall away, and that's fine. They may come back later. And new relationships will begin to form, because that's how the ebb and flow works. Not every relationship is meant to come with you into the next version of your life, whether or not that version looks like someone else's. We're all at a different place in the process, so allow it to be where it is.

This doesn't mean you're meant to lose everyone in your world. That's not what it means. It means your life is reorganizing around the new version of yourself you're becoming, probably because of the generational clearing you've been involved in or are becoming involved in, and you need the space to clear it. As this process takes place, the relationships that are aligned with you will meet you where you are.

What sits underneath (23:20)

Lots of heavy information today. Next in the Awakening series, we'll go deeper into something that sits underneath a lot of these relationship shifts: the mother wound and the waking-up process. Remember, the journey doesn't end here. It's only the beginning. I'll see you on the path.

Frequently asked questions

Why do relationships change after a spiritual awakening?

Relationships are built on a shared identity. When your identity shifts, the shared part is no longer shared, and the dynamic changes. Connections based on validation, survival, old patterns or roles also shift once those needs and patterns change.

Why do I feel drained around family and old friends?

You're not trying to disconnect from them. You're having a harder time connecting the same way you used to, because the version of you that relationship was built on is changing. Conversations can start to feel forced and old activities less enjoyable.

Is it my fault my relationships are falling apart?

No. You're not wrong for changing, and you don't have to fix yourself to keep a relationship. Trying to do that pulls you into feeling responsible for other people's emotions. Focus instead on being responsible for your own feelings.

Will I lose everyone when I wake up spiritually?

No. Some relationships will evolve with you, some will fall away and may return later, and new ones will form. Your life is reorganizing around who you're becoming, and aligned relationships will meet you where you are.

Where to go next

• Start here: my free 16-minute audio, When You Don't Feel Like Yourself
• The course: Revitalizing Your Relationships, heal the patterns that show up in love and partnership
• Listen next: The Mother Wound and Awakening: Why It Surfaces Now
• Work with me one-on-one: private sessions