Break Free of Toxicity

Have you ever left one painful relationship, only to find yourself in another that feels almost exactly the same?

Different person. Same feeling. The same confusion, the same walking on eggshells, the same quiet voice inside saying this isn’t right.

When I looked back over my own relationships during my forgiveness journey, that’s exactly what I saw. In my words at the time: “it was a new guy, new scene, but still the same pattern.”

If that’s you, you are not foolish, and you are not broken. You’re following a pattern that started long before this relationship. And once you can see a pattern clearly, you can begin to step out of it.

A gentle but important note: If you ever feel unsafe in your relationship, physically or emotionally, please reach out for support. In the U.S., the National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7 at 1-800-799-7233, or by texting START to 88788. You deserve to be safe, and you don’t have to figure this out alone.

My story with toxic patterns

After college, I dated a man who struggled with alcohol and drugs. That was my first physically abusive relationship. Later I married a radio personality, within nine months of meeting him. That marriage ended with an affair, a divorce and bankruptcy.

And then, years later, during the most vulnerable season of my life, I became deeply attached to a psychic who called me every day and slowly took more and more control. I can see now that I was clinging to him in an unhealthy way. I even wrote in my journal, “I have developed a need to have him around. Is this an unhealthy attachment?”

Three very different men. One pattern underneath. Looking honestly at all of it, I had to admit something hard: there was something within me attracting these kinds of behaviors. That’s not blame. It’s power. Because if something within me was part of the pattern, then something within me could change it.

What does a toxic relationship pattern look like?

A toxic pattern isn’t always loud or dramatic. Sometimes it’s very quiet. It can look like:

• Constantly second-guessing yourself after conversations
• Saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t, to keep the peace
• Feeling like love has to be earned, and can be taken away at any moment
• Hot and cold treatment: closeness, then distance, then closeness again
• Losing touch with your friends, your goals or the parts of you that used to light you up
• Feeling like you need the person, even when they drain you

In my marriage, I remember telling my husband, “I understand, go ahead and stay out until 4 o’clock in the morning,” when my gut was screaming something completely different. I was living in fear of losing everything, which is eventually what happened.

Why do we keep being drawn to what hurts us?

In Twin Flame Love I wrote that we grow comfortable with dysfunction. What’s familiar feels safe to our system, even when it hurts.

For me, a lot of it traced back to a moment with my dad when I was 10 years old. I walked away from that moment believing men couldn’t be trusted, and every relationship after that seemed to prove it. During my forgiveness work, I realized “it was never my dad I was mad at, but it was my perception of an event.” That one insight began to loosen a pattern I had carried for 27 years.

When we give our power away to people, and those people take advantage of it, that’s what creates a dysfunctional relationship. Breaking free starts with taking that power back.

Why is it so hard to walk away, even when you know?

Knowing and leaving are two different things. Knowing happens in your mind. Leaving has to happen in your whole being, and part of you may still believe this relationship is where safety lives.

In The Art of Process, I say that fear is the abusive person in the relationship. Fear tells us we can’t make it on our own. Fear keeps us quiet. I like to remember that FEAR can mean “Forget Everything and Run” or “Face Everything and Recover.” We get to choose which one.

When I finally faced that psychic, my palms were sweating and my heart was racing. I told him his sexual comments were not right and I didn’t appreciate it. Later, I stopped the daily calls, made my own plans, and when he tried to demand thousands of dollars from me, I filed a harassment charge. None of that felt brave in the moment. It felt terrifying. But each step gave me a little more of myself back.

How do you start to break the pattern?

1. Become aware of the pattern

Write down your significant relationships and look for what repeats. How did each one start? What did you ignore? How did you feel about yourself in it? When you actually write it out, you can’t argue with the truth on the page.

2. Listen to your body

Tension, a sinking stomach, sweaty palms or holding your breath around someone is information. Trust it.

3. Take one small step toward your own power

One honest sentence. One “no.” One plan you make for yourself. You don’t have to do it all at once.

4. Get support from people who feel safe

A friend, a counselor, a support line. Reach out before you reach back to the person you’re trying to leave.

5. Do the forgiveness work, when you’re ready

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse anyone’s actions and behavior. It’s how you stop carrying them. For me, it took my 70 × 7 forgiveness practice to release my ex-husband at a soul level. Even though I thought I had forgiven him years before, it hadn’t truly happened until then. On Day 28, after watching an Oprah interview, I suddenly felt something new: “For the first time in seven years I literally felt compassion towards my ex-husband.” I share the full tool in The Art of Process.

What if they never acknowledge what they did?

About eight years after my divorce, some old anger came up, and I realized I had never told my ex-husband how much he had hurt me. So I sent him a message. I told him, “I forgave you a long time ago, but I had to forgive myself for being naive and not speaking my truth or following my intuition.”

He never replied. And you know what? That was okay. I didn’t send it for him. I sent it so I could finally speak my truth.

Frequently asked questions

How do I know if my relationship is toxic or just going through a hard time?

Every relationship has hard seasons. The difference is the pattern. In a hard season, both people are trying, repair happens and you still feel respected. In a toxic pattern, the same hurt repeats and you feel smaller over time.

Why do I miss someone who treated me badly?

Because you bonded with them, and part of you still associates them with comfort. Missing someone doesn’t mean you should go back. Let yourself feel it, and lean on people who feel safe.

Is it my fault if I keep attracting the same kind of person?

It’s not about fault. It’s about awareness. Seeing your part in a pattern is what gives you the power to change it.

You are allowed to choose peace

You don’t need every answer today. You only need to see the pattern and believe you deserve something different. If you’re feeling the pull of intense connections, you may also like Chasing Feelings Instead of Chasing Connection.

When you’re ready to go deeper, my course Healthy Boundaries & Personal Power helps you set limits without guilt, and Revitalizing Your Relationships helps you heal the patterns that keep repeating. Or start gently with my free grounding audio.